I wanted to share that I was chosen to be a participant in the 2009 First Trip Home sponsored by GOAL. 40 are chosen. I received the e-mail this morning right after my psychology final. It was a happy moment, but also a scary one. It boils down to the fact that in doing this, I will be confronting many of my fears at once.
- fear of flying
- fear of being in a different country
- fear of being thrown into the unfamiliar with the unfamiliar
- going back
1. When I tell people that I’ve never flown before and then they remind me that I have, I get annoyed and tell them that I don’t remember it. But I have a severe fear of heights. Perhaps I should be more afraid of the fact that I could be sitting around a screaming spawn of satan that needs to be spanked.
2. North Korea sitting right above is no consolation. I have this scary vision where North Korea busts into South Korea, takes over, and in doing so, trapping us (the Americans) inside. I don’t want to die in another country.
3. I really don’t like change, but when it hits me, I’ve learned to deal with it much better than before. But that doesn’t change the fact that while I love to talk to strangers, I’m not too thrilled with the idea of traveling with them and rooming with them. I keep telling myself that they are KADs (Korean Adoptees) too, therefore, they are there for the same reason. I tell myself not to worry. I tell myself not to be afraid.
4. I have a fear of going back. It’s plain and simple. There’s really not too much depth behind that statement. In general, it’s just one of those things that I could have completely avoided. It could have been quite possible that I would have died before seeing Korea. It really was.
Question: Why am I bickering about this instead of leaping for joy?
Bottom line: I’m scared, despite the fact that this is a fortuitous fortune.
On top of it all, I was asked out by a guy this afternoon. Lord knows that I haven’t been out on a date in about a year. No jokes please. Every time when I think about dating, I get stressed out because I don’t really see anyone in this area as available. I don’t really like what I see. Maybe I just expect too much out of the opposite sex. Maybe I just like to keep too much distance. Because when guys start talking to me and they mention things about hugs and stuff like that, it sort of creeps me out. Am I too old fashioned? Am I just no fun? Is that why I don’t have many friends? –Or a boyfriend? No. I don’t have friends or a boyfriend because it is my choice. I prefer staying at home and spending time with myself. I’m a selfish person when it comes to my time… Even though I’m not doing anything at all. But still, I’m trying to talk myself into going and hanging out with this guy. He’s nice enough. We’ll see.
The main conflict that arises at the thought is that he is black. He’s one of those cases where he’s “whiter than white,” but still, in the world’s eyes, he is black and I am Asian. For some reason, people can accept the idea of me dating a white male than a black one. Why is that? I was talking to someone else about this today. Why is it that I automatically started thinking about that? It doesn’t make anyone any less of a human. It doesn’t make a friendship or a relationship any less or insignificant. So why are we like this? Why is society so stupid?
I shoudn’t worry about this. It’s just one movie night. I’m not marrying the guy, but still, it all just makes me annoyed by this small town where everyone is under scrutiny. I get tired of it. But it’s really sad when you question yourself just because you know society will. And I’m interested in the guy. He seems really nice. He told me that he “kind of liked me ever since he saw me,” which is a nice compliment. Despite his kind words, I’m worried.
In Psychology: Personality this past semester, we discussed self-regulatory systems and the cognitive. I’ve been figuring out my issues with other people, friendships and dating. And I find myself annoyed with the fact that I’m embarrassed at the thought of being touched by someone else. It’s sort of like stepping out onto an unsteady plank 100 feet up on one side with a hand reaching out from the other side. It’s terrifying. Relationships in general are scary. Commitment isn’t just applied to your significant other. It goes for any and all relationships in your life –even friends, even the little old man that you wave at every morning at Starbucks or something. It’s all about committing yourself to seeing them and thinking the same things about them when you do. It’s scary. Possibly even scarier than flying in a plane, getting stuck in Korea, being in the unfamiliar with the unfamiliar, and going back to the motherland.
That’s really sad.
taken early yesterday evening. check out the cheerios snack mix. it's so good. *notice the missing keys on my laptop. anyone want to donate some $ for a new one?
Deadpan Poet 